Sidewocalypse

So I have decided to give up on my grand scheme to rule the world with only the powers of my charisma and moxy.  I’m not even entirely sure what moxy is.  I never really thought about that plan enough to make any sort of tangible goal.  Sidewalk theft, on the other hand- now that is an objective.  Ever since I was crowned the king of the Chicago Outfit in 1933 (if you are calling BS, I’ll have you know that it’s a SECRET title bequeathed to only the most gangster-icious of gangsters), I’ve thought about turning it into the Global Outfit.  We shall lay siege to the land!

That being said, we are rather unorganized at the present date.  The Outfit of the 2000′s is not nearly as focus-driven as the past.  With prohibition mostly said and done with, and ever since we murdered Cupid at the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, we don’t have much to do these days.  I’m setting out to fix that.

As you could probably guess, this is where sidewalk theft comes into play.  You may be thinking, “Sidewalk theft? Are you insane?”  Yes, quite.  But that is unrelated.  Let me anecdotealize you a little bit.

So I was walking on this sidewalk this one time, and I thought, “Wow.  Without this thing, I would be on the street.”  I slowly began to put two and two together.  “On the street” is a common metaphor for being homeless.  Without sidewalks, everyone would be “on the street,” and thus, homeless.  Of course!  If everyone is homeless, then we can steal all of the real estate and money in all the world!

I stumbled and hit my face against the concrete in anticipation of the execution of my brilliant plan!  I probably broke like, three nose bones, at least.  I don’t know.  I’m not welcome at most hospitals ever since the incident with the bears (Grizzly AND Chicago.  That was an incredible footbear game).

I got up and brushed myself off, bleeding profusely from the nose and most of my face and upper face.  I ate some Neosporin and immediately arrived at the Outfit’s headquarters 13 hours later.  I shared my plan with the henchmen, the goombahs, the co-horts, the co-henches, the hench-horts, and the koopa-troopas.  They all thought I was a genius and crowned me the superking immediately.  Except for Gary.  I freakin’ hate that guy.

I decided there was no better time than the present to execute the plans of the present.  We set off for St. Louis, to a quaint little christian college (they have the best sidewalks, you know).  We arrived at St. Louis Christian College at 8:30, and at least three different ways from Sunday.  What is the official gear for robbing sidewalks?  The same as for robbing banks.

I am quite certain that I am going to single-handedly cause the apocalypse.  When the homeless converge, they become radioactive, or so I hear.  A small price to be crowned “Superking of Everything in the world-town, USA!”

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~ by Jimi Raffety on February 10, 2010.